Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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