If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Life is so much better after having sex.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
