I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
