just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can i not drive my cunt home
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
