ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
