Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i think i just lost a toe
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
