I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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