I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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