Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
