just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
