I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
