remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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