Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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