Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
