were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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