he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
