I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
