How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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