Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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