hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
