just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
