i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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