Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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