I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
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Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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