Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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