Sponge bath it is.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
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That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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