he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
