I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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