Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
