Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
