help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
