Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
