i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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