Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
