I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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