nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
