My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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