just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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