I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
