I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
