He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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