She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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