I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
