All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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