I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
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You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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