My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
