How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
