Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
