I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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