Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
