Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
