yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
