I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
