New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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