if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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