I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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