i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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