I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
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