My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
