Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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